On a more serious note...This is a photo of my sister who looks asian but isn't, her ginger husband, and my niece Justine with whom I am in love:

Looking at that should make me happy but it does the opposite. My sister and I have a very complicated relationship and I think both of us know that it's troubled underneath. At least I do...I feel like I'm beating a dead horse, writing in here and talking about it with a friend, hoping that some of my resentment will fade. I've spent years waiting for it losing hope with each one passing. I love my little niece and I don't think I could bear to lose her or not be given the chance to have a close relationship with her because of my sister. I feel like she doesn't trust me and neither does her husband (that's another story). They are first-time parents so they are protective and that is understandable but I think it goes deeper than that. I feel doubted by them somehow.
Being a little girl and looking up to a sister that you don't know, getting older and realizing that you still don't and never will...needing that older sibling to be there and tell you it's going to be okay, to tell you when you're being stupid and getting into trouble and fucking up everything good around you...it's something I don't know if I'll ever stop being fucked up by. Maybe I'm selfish. Maybe I should just stop being such a baby. If I knew how to forget about it and cut it out of my head I would.

Looking at that should make me happy but it does the opposite. My sister and I have a very complicated relationship and I think both of us know that it's troubled underneath. At least I do...I feel like I'm beating a dead horse, writing in here and talking about it with a friend, hoping that some of my resentment will fade. I've spent years waiting for it losing hope with each one passing. I love my little niece and I don't think I could bear to lose her or not be given the chance to have a close relationship with her because of my sister. I feel like she doesn't trust me and neither does her husband (that's another story). They are first-time parents so they are protective and that is understandable but I think it goes deeper than that. I feel doubted by them somehow.
Being a little girl and looking up to a sister that you don't know, getting older and realizing that you still don't and never will...needing that older sibling to be there and tell you it's going to be okay, to tell you when you're being stupid and getting into trouble and fucking up everything good around you...it's something I don't know if I'll ever stop being fucked up by. Maybe I'm selfish. Maybe I should just stop being such a baby. If I knew how to forget about it and cut it out of my head I would.

