feed your head

On a more serious note...This is a photo of my sister who looks asian but isn't, her ginger husband, and my niece Justine with whom I am in love:



Looking at that should make me happy but it does the opposite. My sister and I have a very complicated relationship and I think both of us know that it's troubled underneath. At least I do...I feel like I'm beating a dead horse, writing in here and talking about it with a friend, hoping that some of my resentment will fade. I've spent years waiting for it losing hope with each one passing. I love my little niece and I don't think I could bear to lose her or not be given the chance to have a close relationship with her because of my sister. I feel like she doesn't trust me and neither does her husband (that's another story). They are first-time parents so they are protective and that is understandable but I think it goes deeper than that. I feel doubted by them somehow.

Being a little girl and looking up to a sister that you don't know, getting older and realizing that you still don't and never will...needing that older sibling to be there and tell you it's going to be okay, to tell you when you're being stupid and getting into trouble and fucking up everything good around you...it's something I don't know if I'll ever stop being fucked up by. Maybe I'm selfish. Maybe I should just stop being such a baby. If I knew how to forget about it and cut it out of my head I would.

I will be at this show singing along and saying "omg this is so awesome" every five seconds!

Oct. 21st - Neumo’s All Ages/Bar W/ID

BOUNCING SOULS
BAYSIDE
BROADWAY CALLS
$20.00 adv. Show: 8:00 p.m.

Who's cumming?

Brian:

Tue.Nov.03.09
Flyleaf
Paper Tongues
:: Doors at 7pm :: $25 adv ::
All Ages, Bar w/ ID

My Dad pulled this out of the garden today.

him: come sit on my lap and hug me

me: how about i punch you in the fucking face


boys just don't get it. god.

All I want is for someone to see Zombieland with me and no one will. Do I smell bad?

You guys would tell me if I smelled bad, right?

Brian's memorial show was packed, it was cool. Bought a raffle ticket, I don't think I won. RIP.

Undertow/Converge/Unbroken last night. Again, was totally packed. Lots of old man mosh. It was awesome I had a great time. The Helm was also really good too, Bob always looks super intense like he's gonna pop a vein in his neck.

An odd thing happened. I was sitting with people in a booth drinking beers and this girl was next to me I didn't know. Then she was like, "You're Sarah right?" and I'm like yeah...then she starts saying things like "I've know who you are for a long time" and "All my friends know who you are and one of them is scared of you because she calls herself little Sarah and people all call you that". I was like uh well there is only on OG "little Sarah" and it's not me. Then she's like "I always wanted to meet you" then starts talking about hardcore and says that "But you know more than me I'm sure you've been around for wayyyy long". What? I listened to punk and didn't even know what hardcore WAS until I was like 17.

Whole thing was really weird and it made me feel creeped out that there are people talking about me that I've never met and referring to me as though they know me. She was nice though. Later I saw her puking outside.

Interesting night. Went to Kevin's and passed out drunk, woke up and went to the Honey Hole with some Reno peeps. Chilled in the park, went to Babeland and tried to hit up Mighty-O but they were sold out. WHAT? I really wanted a blueberry donut. Then this guy picked them up and he was a douche. He tried to park in a bus zone so I was yelling at him that it was a bus zone. Then I kept saying it over and over. "Hey, you can't park in bus zones". "Good thing you moved your car, cause you were in a bus zone". Then we all started doing it and he was pretty irritated.

Took Ian home an hour ago now I'm in Auburn and probably gonna sleep for awhile. I sleep so much and it feels great. I have tomorrow off.

Bye!

I just got off work an hour ago (7am) and I have to go back to work at 3pm. Fuck.

I just can't let go of the fact that I can't do something I want so much because of something I can't control. It's weighing my spirit down. I feel so angry inside about this. I want to scream at the world.

Last night's weird dreams included the following:

Andy Patillo telling me to come see some show on the 26th which was today
Getting attacked by a bunch of latino and black girls
I was saved by my dog who was a tiny Yorkshire terrier
It was cold out and I was really concerned that the dog would be cold...
So my friend fashioned a sweater out of some cloth


My sister brought the baby over this morning. She can walk now and it was weird seeing her do that. She walks reallllly funny and is very unstable and falls down a lot. She says things too. Mostly, "Mama" and "Hi!". So cute. She also speaks gibberish and it's like she thinks she is making perfect sense. I love her so much.

I just got a pair of custom-made Vincent Price earrings!!! Stoked!

I went to the gym with my sister and she had me do some insane exercises and some really hard shit. My entire body is so sore and tired. My abs are melting.

Spencer is in town.

Well, it's official. My oldest friend, Todd M. Tracer is married.

Hell, if he can get hitched, than I certainly can! Hope is restored.

It was a nice, simple wedding at Wright park, close friends and family.

I finally got to meet baby Ruby and she is so beautiful.

I'm going to pick up Lindsay (from Georgia) right now! Excited to hang out with her.

:)

I just found out that I am not eligible to do the thing I was planning on doing because of my history with depression and other "issues", and the fact that I take medication daily.

I'm pretty upset about it, it was something that I really really wanted that would have changed my life.

I guess I'm back to square one.

Season finale of True Blood...FUCK!

adlsfjljlsdkkjll

I am thinking of making a severe, life-changing decision that I never would have in a MILLION years thought about doing. I don't feel comfortable sharing what that is yet...I just know that where I am now in my life, financially, mentally, and physically, I am not where I want to be and I need to do something drastic to make my life the life that I want.

Basically, I'm scared out of my mind.

I ordered some SkullCandy Lowriders and I'm using them for the first time right now. Just put on Ode to LRC...I'm stoked. I've never had decent headphones before and these are great quality, for the price. I fucking love music.

Rusty they are giving away Steely Dan tickets on KZOK you should get on that.



The world is such a wonderful place
La di da, La di da, La di da, La di da

Who wants to go to this with me?

september 18th @ the morgue

$6 8pm

Despise You
Crom
Iron lung
sworming
anhedonist

I saw Metric last night. They were really really really good. I used my Dad's binoculars, it helps cause I'm short.

God pretty drunk last night with Krystall. Waited 30 minutes for the bus, met a tranny and some lesbos. The tranny freestyled while we were waiting.

Got to Alidino's finally where I immediately passed out on the couch. Woke up this morning wearing my coat and hat, and some weird dog on top of me.

Went to breakfast this morning at the Rusty P, had giant bloody mary's and laughed so hard for like an hour. I love my friends.

I was 40 minutes late to work today due to Seattle traffic. Fuck that.

New living situation possible in January; house in Tacoma w/ Bribri and others? We'll see. I can't move in with any more messy roommates. I'm never at my apartment because it's always fucking disgusting two seconds after I clean it and it's fucking annoying.

Watching X-Files with my sister now. Sleep soon prolly.

PS. I have been hanging out with Travis and Jessica lately and that has been tight. I rode my bike to their house yesterday up a bunch of hills and it sucked really bad. I hate my bike it's so shitty but I got it for free because my friend got divorced and he hates his wife so he gave me her bike lol.

We drank wine and sang new metal songs and prefunked for a dance party. The dance party turned out to be one of the weirdest things ever. Travis had a blast, I kind of wandered around and stuff. Ben R showed up so that was nice. Me and Jay ended up in the kitchen eating leftover pizza.

Then we went to Parkway and I was drunk and tired and they dropped me off at home after awhile. It's almost 10, I'm getting ready to go to Seattle for Bumbershoot. Yeah yeah yeahs, David Cross, and Cold War Kids today. Tomorrow is Metric and Wallpaper. Woooo!